How Can I? | adoption vs. {more} bio kids

This is a subject that has plagued my heart for several months. My soul aches as I weed through my thoughts and desires about it. So far, the Lord has been silent with me on the topic...and Ben has encouraged me to write about it.

Yes, we have 4 children. But we have never thought that our family is yet complete. There are some of you that think we're crazy, and others who understand. I used to be the former. It's interesting how God changes one's heart, isn't it? Ok so here's my dilemma, and truthfully I'm not quite sure how to put it into words so it makes sense to anyone aside from Ben and I.

So please bear with me.

I'm nearly 32. Not too old, yet not so young anymore either. Ben will be 41 in a few weeks. If we are to have more children biologically, now is the time. And I want that...oh how I want that. There is such a miracle in the months that span from making the baby, to the moment they come into this world. I love it. And I hate it.

I miss the feeling of the movements of the baby, first like a gentle flutter of butterfly wings, then later the rough movements of a baby large enough that there is little room to spare. Spending nights on my left side so blood and nutrients can best reach them while I sleep in hopes to gain enough energy to have a successful next day. And the nausea. The throwing up. The medication {that helped only barely}.

But then the baby is born, so sweet and tiny. Little sleep is had, but is easily worth it as I gaze upon the child that looks a little like me. A little like him. Just looking into that face, I've already forgotten the horrible 10 month long bout of morning sickness that is included with each of my pregnancies. What a blessing.

What a miracle. But... How can I? How can I bring forth another child from my own body when I know...and I have seen...so many children without parents, without food, love, and a future and are just waiting. Waiting. Waiting for what? Me? You? Or for no one to come rescue them and to have the misfortune to be in an orphanage {such as Imani's} where the children are sick and malnourished.

They may age out...and if they do, then what? They live on the streets? They beg? They live a life of trouble? The whole cycle likely just begins again.

Please please PLEASE don't think I'm judging ANYONE who has their own baby biologically. In absolutely NO way am I intending that. For goodness sake, we have two little blonde boys that are the perfect combination of Ben and I. This is our own struggle and conviction, I don't place it on you. God has given you passions and burdens. This is ours.

There are so many ways to help the poor and the fatherless even without bringing a child home into your family. World Vision {it's been so amazing to see our kids get involved}, Compassion International, & A Glimmer of Hope {look to my sidebar. this is where our heart lies} are all incredible examples.

But for us. For our family, the Lord has placed the beautiful burden of doing more than that. We are to bring these children without hope, without families, in to join ours in the most amazing tie. Just like God has adopted us as His children, Ben and I are to do the same.

That sounds nice, doesn't it? Of course we would begin the process then. Today! Why not? Hold on, let me call our agency and have them put us on the list. Wait. No. The knowledge and acceptance of what God has asked us to do, doesn't change the fact that my heart bursts every time I see a newborn baby. My eyes well up whenever I hear their precious infant cries. It doesn't matter if we're in the grocery store, park, or wherever.

I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. Hands down. I do.

...and so does everyone else. The huge waiting lists that you hear about {in Ethiopia anyway} are for babies. Even more specifically, for baby girls. Families often wait years for one.

But what of the older kids, like Ezekiel? They wait and wait.

Again...for what? For whom? So I ask you {really I'm asking You, Father}, if we do adopt again...how do I now justify a baby? Change my heart. Please. Take from me the desire to have another child ourselves. Take away my want to become pregnant. Instead, give me immense desire and passion to become a mother to one who has none.

But a baby, Lord? May I have a baby? A little one who still has that sweet baby scent and infant cry? But I feel selfish. Someone will always take the baby. But will they take the older child? Will we? We have before and I have a feeling we will again. But this time, Lord. I want another baby.

Please Lord, reveal yourself to me. To both Ben and I. Help us know Your plan for our family. Just because we're doing something good, doesn't mean it's Your Will for us. Just like David sought to bring the Ark into Jerusalem for Your Glory, it was not what You wanted. It was good...but it was not BEST {2 Samuel 6}. You had other plans.